How to Free Kids and Teens From Smartphones

An interview with Clare Morell, author of 'The Tech Exit'

I think what will most surprise readers is the obstacles they may have in their minds, like fears their children won’t have friends or will binge on tech later, or that they won’t be prepared for the technological age in their workforce, all turn out to not be the case, and the opposite actually proves to be true for all of these.

TOH: How did you come to decide to write your new book The Tech Exit and what do you think will most surprise readers?

Morell: I have spent the last several years working in the tech policy space for the Ethics and Public Policy Center, working to help pass laws to protect kids online at both the state and federal level. In my work, I kept interacting with parents asking me for my personal advice on what they should to protect their kids. My research had convinced me that I would never give my own kids smartphones or social media or tablets, but they were all ages four and under, so I hadn’t navigated the teen years myself yet to tell them how to successfully resist these technologies.

So I started reading all the parenting books on tech that I could find. I was sorely disappointed. The solutions they offered were not commensurate with the harms. They would describe how terrible predators could find children online and then tell parents to just put screentime limits and parental controls in place. I was bemoaning to my friend and colleague, Ryan Anderson, how no book took a strong enough position to advise parents not to give screens to their kids at all and how to do it and he said “Clare you need to write that book.” So that’s what I decided to do, to find out if there is another way and how parents had successfully opted out entirely to be able to explain how to do this to other parents. I had my working hypothesis that opting out was possible, and after interviewing dozens of families who have successfully launched kids to college I can tell you that I became overwhelmingly convinced that not only was this entirely possible, but this is also the best thing we can do for our kids. And I wanted to show other parents how. That’s what my book does.

I think what will most surprise readers is the obstacles they may have in their minds, like fears their children won’t have friends or will binge on tech later, or that they won’t be prepared for the technological age in their workforce, all turn out to not be the case, and the opposite actually proves to be true for all of these.

TOH: Many parents feel like smartphones are a necessary evil—essential for safety and connection. How do you respond to that tension in the book?

I explain that smartphones are in fact, not an inevitable part of childhood. Parents instead can adopt alternative phones that allow them to stay in touch with their child, but without giving kids access to the internet, social media, or other addictive apps. Alternative options include Gabb phones, Bark phones, Wisephones, Light phones, and Pinwheel phones. Parents also don’t need to accept that their child has to have a certain app to participate in school or an activity, a challenge that often leads parents to give a child a smartphone, instead work with the school or coach to find a workaround. This is what the parents featured in my book have done. They stood their ground and found a workaround.

TOH: What are the most dangerous habits you see forming in kids today, and how early does that start?

I think the most dangerous habit is the habit of calming oneself with a screen and the habit of needing to be constantly amused and entertained. It starts as early as a child is handed a screen. The screen teaches the child that life is for endless entertainment and amusement and undermines a child’s ability to develop self-control and emotional regulation, instead they regulate their emotions by the screen and the screen encourages them towards instant gratification and acting on all their impulses immediately, which is dangerous to their long-term success and happiness as an adult.

TOH: What advice do you have for moms/parents who feel like they’ve “already lost the battle” meaning their kids already have smartphones or social media? Is it too late?

Don’t give up hope. It is never too late to reverse course. My book walks parents through step by step how to do a digital detox to reverse course on smartphones or social media if you’ve already given them.

It’s not too late, even for teens. Will it be harder? Yes. Just like quitting any habit, the longer you’ve done it the harder it will be to quit. But the good news is that addicts do get sober. Smokers stop smoking. It’s likewise possible to detox from screens and rewire the brain. You might think: but my son is 14 now so in four years he’ll get a smartphone anyway, I’ll just let him keep using it. No. Rather you should view it as he’s only 14 now and I have four more years where I can help him live free of this device and help him develop the skills and self-control he needs to be a healthy adult. Four years is a lot of time. Even if you only have a year left with your teen, let that year be one where they are free of a screen and you’re helping them prepare for the adult world.

TOH: What are some practical and positive ways families can begin to reclaim a more human life today? Are there first steps you recommend?

Morell: If you have already given screens, start with a digital detox. It’s never too late to reverse course on screens. Summer is a great time to do this. Start with a 30-day detox of no smartphones, tablets, video games, social media, internet, or TV (a Friday night family movie night could be the one exception). Plan out screen-free activities for your kids to do instead. Let the detox serve as a reset for your home and parents try to put down your own devices as much as possible during the detox period.

Then to keep going for the long-haul to live a low-tech, no-smartphone, no-social media lifestyle for your kids, refer to my book for guidance on how to turn a detox into a long term solution.

TOH: What role do schools and peer culture play in shaping how kids use tech, and how can parents push back when they feel outnumbered? Your work on a policy level seems to address this exact thing. Can you talk briefly about legislation that has helped parents?

Morell: The harms of teens’ social media and smartphone use sadly are not only individual, but there are collective aspects to these harms. These technologies, even if used by only a few teens, change the social environment for everyone. It’s a collective action problem that requires a collective solution. This is why I recommend finding a few other families to opt out with you because then you create a group of kids who can talk and socialize in the real world together.

Schools can also be a powerful collective solution when they adopt policies to ban phones during the entire school day, which helps protect the school learning and social environments from the influence of these technologies. Parents, you can be a voice for change, talk to your school administrators and school board members about adopting a school phone ban in your school. These bans really work-– kids start talking to each other in the halls and at lunch and play games together again.

And lastly, legislation to change our laws can also provide a higher-level collective solution. I have worked with states to pass laws that help back parents up. Twenty-three states have now passed laws to require pornography websites to age restrict their content so that now a teen can’t click on a link to PornHub on Snapchat and get through to the obscene content on that site. It also means that another child with a smartphone can no longer so easily pull up a porn site and lean over to show it to your child.

These laws are a collective solution that helps protect all kids. I’ve also worked with states to pass parental consent laws for social media, which requires that a social media platform obtain a parent’s consent before a minor can create an account. These laws put parents back in the driver’s seat over whether or not a child gets on social media, since the status quo was that any child could enter their birthdate (or falsify one if they were under 13) and check a box and make an account, which means a determined child could easily go behind a parent’s back and make an account even if the parent had said no to social media. Parental consent laws give parents effective control over kids’ social media.

TOH: It seems like navigating tech and actively reducing it in our homes is not only possible but necessary. What are some real-world examples of families doing this well?

My book, The Tech Exit, is filled with examples of families who have successfully been living out low-tech lifestyles and flourishing because of it. I would encourage you to buy the book so you can read all these stories. I will summarize what I have found from interviewing all these families and that is not only is this lifestyle possible, it is the best thing we can do for our children. It is 100% worth any challenges you have to push through to stay the course.

And these families view it as one of the most important parenting decisions they made. Their grown children are thankful for the tech restrictions they had as kids and plan to raise their own children the same way. These parents have strong relationships with their kids, the kids have strong relationships with their siblings. These children are independent, self-controlled, conversant with adults, able to focus deeply and sustain attention, self-entertained, and confident. These kids notice the differences themselves from their peers who are glued to their phones constantly. And educators say to me over and over that it is immediately obvious which kids have smartphones and which kids don’t. The kids with phones have trouble making eye contact and have a lot of social anxiety talking to teachers and other adults. The kids without do not.

TOH: Your book is a fantastic and important resource for parents feeling alone in this fight. You and I are also on the board of Humanality. Do you see a lot of communities or movements emerging to support a more intentional, unplugged approach to parenting?

I do! Humanality is an inspiring movement of college students who are giving up social media and smartphones to reengage humanity and reality. These students navigating college without a smartphone are the first ones to inspire me to give up my smartphone. Other communities are also emerging among parents. A movement that started in the UK called Smartphone-free childhood has now spread to the US and has groups in most states that help parents talk to their schools and local communities about delaying smartphones for kids. In my local area a group called the Postman Pledge started in Maryland, of parents pledging together to not give their children smartphones or social media and pledging to instead recover traditions of being together as humans like music, dances, games, and meals together. And there are countless other school, church, and neighborhood communities of parents forming that are pursuing unplugged lifestyles together. You can too. Just start talking to the parents you know.

TOH: Thank you, Clare! The Tech Exit comes out June 3rd and is available now for pre-sale HERE.

Clare Morell is a fellow at the Ethics and Public Policy Center and director of its Technology and Human Flourishing Project. Her work has been featured in the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Fox News and many other platforms. Morell consults legislators on technology policy and has helped draft legislation to protect children online. She and her family live out their Tech Exit life together in Washington, DC.

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