Little Dates Club
An innovative solution to Gen Z's dating issues
By Patricia Patnode
Gen Z is dating less than their parents and grandparents. It's hard to blame them: social media, dating apps, and constant text exchanges have taken the fun out of matchmaking. Today, it’s difficult to go on a first date without already knowing a significant amount about the other person, unless you have the discipline to keep yourself from Googling their name. The mystery and excitement of dating has been lost.
It’s standard practice amongst my friends to send screenshots of a potential date’s Hinge profile to the group chat for investigation. University tennis rankings, LinkedIn updates, and old Facebook posts are all quickly unearthed by a handful of motivated girls, thumb swiping and passing judgement on his past.
It’s not uncommon to know the names, hair color, and occupations of a suitor’s last few girlfriends before even talking in person. While previous generations went on dates with near strangers they met at pubs, or were set up by friends, children of the 2000s are both dating less and substituting dating with ambiguous pre-relationship territories, such as the “talking stage” or “situationships.”
These phases have almost completely replaced dating, because they give people the opportunity to intimately get to know a potential partner through hours of text conversations, online interactions, and ill-defined hangouts or hookups before a formal date is ever arranged. By the time a date is secured, you’re probably already on the cusp of an official, serious relationship. Alternatively, a date was never planned, and you are left brokenhearted by their decision to simply not text back (a.k.a. being ghosted).
Both of these types of emotional attachment are enabled by perpetual iPhone availability. If the gentleman you are interested in hasn’t texted you back but he’s regularly watching your Instagram stories, then maybe it’s time to post a sultry photo of yourself out drinking with some friends – bonus points if there is a good-looking man in the frame for him to be jealous of.
There's another issue that troubles many young woman when it comes to dating: the feminist dilemma. Should the man open the door? Should the woman offer to pay for, or split, the cost of the first date? How do we avoid offense, or assumption about what a man is, and isn't, expected to do?
Two Washington D.C. area Catholic moms think they have hit upon the answer to the dating crisis. Their solution: the Little Dates Club. Men are given only the first name and phone number of their matches. This ensures a degree of anonymity and mystery going into the first date.
Darenys Radich and her Little Dates Club cofounder, Maria Creitz, decided to take action after noticing that their college-aged children, along with their friends's kids, weren’t dating at all. It became clear, they said, that many youngsters found matchmaking to be “high pressure” and “intense.”
“We aren’t matchmakers. We aren’t dating coaches. Our goal is just to get people to go on dates,” says Radich.
The Little Dates Club gives clear answers to important questions like, “Who should plan the date?” via in-person instruction and a detailed instruction packet and resource list. They are very clear –men should be gracious and lead, and women should lean into their femininity and allow themselves to be pursued.
On the first little date, which the man is expected to initiate and plan, women are suggested to put him at ease by, “compliment[ing] the guy on the location he chose. Find something you like about it as you walk in and tell him after you say hello. This will show him that you are in a positive mindset and are ready to have a good date. He can relax and focus on leading the date as he gets to know you.”
They also suggest preparing for the date by brainstorming questions and putting yourself in a positive, optimistic frame of mind. If that date isn’t going swimmingly they suggest “excus[ing] yourself to go to the bathroom and take a look at [their suggested list of questions to refresh your memory.] Then, “go back in with a smile and a great open-ended question!”
After the date, they suggest thinking of three things that you liked about the person you just met, two things you felt went well on the date for you (e.g., I remembered good questions, I was able to overcome some of my shyness, and I made eye contact), and one thing that could go better on the next date (smile more, be a little early so I wouldn't feel so rushed, not be so judgemental).
Perhaps more importantly, they list 20 questions to avoid on a first date, including: How many people have you dated? Why didn't you go to college? Would you like to be a stay-at-home mum? After all, there is nothing more awkward than being on a first date and receiving a line of questioning that is clearly trying to piece together whether or not you are a 'bad' person.
Although the mothers deny being matchmakers, they are available to help their candidates. Radich described talking with one particularly discouraged young man, “This guy was not getting any second dates, and I was able to reach out and [ask the girls] anonymously what happened on this date…many said that he struggled with conversation." She was able to give him that feedback and talk about how to improve the conversation. Then, when he went on his next little date, that girl said “yes” to a second.
Talking to two girls who participated in the club, neither of them met "the One," but they still found the experience useful overall, and are open to signing up again in the future. They reported that the club took the discomfort out of the idea of dating and encouraged them to say “yes” to more first dates in general. That said, there were a few hiccups: one participant, for instance, texted all of his mini-dates in a single group chat, as if he were on a game show. He was sternly reprimanded for that.
There are a handful of relationships that resulted from the Little Dates Club; at least three couples are planning to get married. The good word seems to have spread in the Washington D.C. Catholic community since they had to cap their upcoming session at 160 spots. They cited difficulty of personally managing that many participants.
That pool of potential matches seems rather large. If anyone can sign up, how do you know if the candidates are even somewhat suited for each other? That’s where the Holy Spirit comes in, Radich says. The low-hanging fruit is the first Little Date, the introduction that otherwise wouldn’t have happened. It’s the excitement of meeting someone new, paired with the trust that God will ultimately guide each participant toward their vocation, she tells me.
Men and women need guidance; that much is clear. This organic, home-baked solution made waves in just one season. In the Little Dates Club, everyone is challenged, upon completing all their dates, to set up at least one of their dates with a friend, giving everyone a chance to pay it forward. “We’re just two mums trying to help,” Radich tells me.
Their model was designed specifically for practicing Catholics in a large metro area with an overabundance of single Catholics. However, it seems plausible that it could be modified and adapted by any church, secular university club, fraternity, sorority, or sports team.
So, is the Little Dates Club the solution to Gen Z's dating crisis? In our era of information overload and amorous ambiguity, the Little Dates Club might be just what we need to course-correct our culture of romantic malaise.
Patricia Patnode works in Washington D.C. and is a regular contributor for The Cedar Rapids Gazette and The Conservator, among other publications. She received a B.A. from Loras College in her home state of Iowa and teaches religious education and ice skating classes in her spare time.
I'm a young adult Catholic who lives in Northern Virginia. I have several friends and one family member who went through the Little Dates Club program. The organizers are very intent on marketing it, and it is a very creative and sincere idea. But it was a disaster for nearly everyone I've met who's gone through the program.
It is true that male participants receive nine phone numbers, but this can also lead to problematic situations. As mentioned above, one male participant put all of the girls' numbers he received in a group chat together to "vet" them all at once in a very demeaning manner; two of my friends were in this group chat (they reported him to the organizers, and he was removed).
Regardless of the feedback participants have provided, the organizers are still marketing the Little Dates Club as a "success." This is not to disparage the organizers at all; they are very devout and thoughtful moms who are looking to remedy a dysfunctional dating environment that seems to be inherent in NOVA. But there's a flip side to the Little Dates Club story: The program has had very little success. If anything, it just added to my single friends' list of uncomfortable dates.
I would be interested in finding out if the organizers of the Little Date Club could share their format, advice. Do they have a book/pamphlet or website? It seems like a good idea and something that can be reproduced in other places.